Should divorcees be granted bereavement leave?

As I stood at the podium presenting a training on Grief in the Workplace recently, I was asked a question that made me ponder enough to write a blog on the subject. Should divorcees be granted bereavement leave in order to get their affairs in order? My first reaction was how could I answer this question in a way that I support both grievers mourning the loss of a relative and those who are grieving the end of a marriage? Carefully.

Most companies grant a 3-7 day bereavement leave to attend a funeral and take care of initial obligations, including the planning of the funeral, attending the funeral and the need to express grief without the burden of co-workers, management and business needs. The interesting part of the bereavement leave policies is that it does not take into consideration the additional tasks to be accomplished in the coming months. In other words, the policy is truly designed for the initial days off following the loss.

So what happens when you go home one evening and your spouse tells you that s/he is filing for divorce. You are blindsided by the news, and experience similar shock as one who has lost a loved one. Should the company provide 3-7 days off as the employee mourns the loss? It’s an interesting question indeed, and is a slippery subject for me to comment on. However, shock is shock and the ability to work under those circumstances is extremely difficult.

As I have spent the last 20 years answering company questions on how to handle grief in the workplace, the most sought out advice is the Bereavement Leave Policy. Current polices are less effective in the 21^st century as most of us live far away from family when a death occurs. Making arrangements for travel, attending the funeral and taking care of minimal tasks takes longer than what is typically offered. When is the last time a seat was available on a flight on the same day? Even if you are driving to an out of town funeral, there undoubtedly is not enough time.   Companies responding to employee needs have expanded coverage to include more family scenarios, but the number of days off seems to remain constant.

With that said, what is lacking is the time needed to take care of all the related tasks after the death: selling of a parent’s house; endless paperwork; and most importantly appropriate time to grieve the loss privately, away from the workplace. This area is where I believe there is overlap with those who are suffering a loss from divorce: taking care of the endless list of responsibilities; trying to control emotions; and one more substantial challenge for divorcees – social embarrassment of ending the marriage.

In both cases, personal loss is profuse and the workplace remains in need of business as usual. Companies differ in the support provided to employees based on the size of the company, type of business, management style and customer needs. Clearly there is not a set way of handling either situation. My suggestion in support of both cases is to understand what programs are available to you as an employee. Most companies have access to an Employee Assistant Program (EAP) offering counseling sessions and resources in support of the loss. In addition, FMLA is available for medically related challenges and a combination of Personal Time Off, Vacation Time and Professional Time Off will hopefully provide you appropriate with adequate support and there is always sick leave.

As I learned with the loss of my husband, you can receive all the time off needed from your employer to take care of personal affairs; however the hardest aspect of the loss of a loved one or marriage is the emotional toll that takes time to grapple with. The true answer is to build a routine and create a balance of home and work life. As I often share with my grievers, the workplace is very important in the healing process so find the best way to blend personal time with professional accomplishments while you continue to digest the loss you are experiencing.

Rachel Kodanaz is an author, speaker and consultant who provides support to workplaces when there has been a death of an employee or when an employee has experienced a personal loss. She is the author of Grief in the Workplace Management Handbook and Living with Loss, One Day at a Time. Both are available on http://www.rachelkodanaz.com or http://www.amazon.com.

Don’t ask, Just do

After the death of a loved one, there is inevitably a litany of never-ending questions, including “What can I do to help?” or “Call me if you need anything.” Grieving individuals seldom have the strength to communicate their immediate needs mostly because they don’t know what they are. This is when Don’t ask, Just do enters the picture. As a concerned caregiver, you can be the helper, the shoulder, the strength, the logic and the anchor that the bereaved person desperately needs.

As a supporter, the best way to aid a grieving person is to quietly listen. Typically, he or she will convey intense emotions coupled with minimal logic. Since the words that are often filled with anger, guilt and sadness may not make sense, you should try to ease the anguish without judging. Avoid the use of clichés, as they hurt more than they help.

Time is at a standstill for those who are grieving. On the surface it may look as if everything is under control, but it’s not. The past daily routines consisting of work, school, chores, carpooling, working out and reading the newspaper are no longer a priority for the person who is grieving. In fact, not fulfilling these needs create additional anxiety. Not only do already existing responsibilities need attention, new tasks are added to the list resulting from the death. The role of the supporter is to maintain as much normalcy in the daily routine as possible; and this challenge should not be underestimated.

When Rod passed away suddenly, I lost all logic to cope with the situation. What I needed most was someone to take charge of my household and “think” for me. This included making the telephone calls that would inform others of his death, coordinating the arrangements for out of town family and friends who would be attending the funeral, funeral arrangements, keeping track of the condolence gifts sent to the house, restocking essential household supplies (e.g., toilet paper), preparing food, feeding my daughter and changing her diaper and ensuring that I was taking care of myself. At the time, I would never have been able to communicate all these needs to my family and friends. Depending on the situation, here are a few Just do’s:

• When visiting a grieving person’s house, look around. Without inquiring, you will immediately notice many things that need attention. Take charge and accomplish the task with out asking questions – open cabinets and find what you need.
• Help to manage the food that has been delivered to the house. Organizing groceries and prepared items will make finding nutritional food effortless for the griever, providing much needed sustenance. If the refrigerator is too full, freeze portions of the food with a note of what it is and how to prepare. Fill the holes with staples and healthy grab-and-go foods for snacking.
• In the early stages of grieving, small children are a blessing and a curse. While they provide a welcome diversion with their presence, they also require attention and support. As a supporter, gestures can be as simple as sitting in the bathroom while a young child is in the bathtub or as major as providing the griever with an overnight visit. If the offer to take the children away somewhere is declined, do not give up – entertain the children in their own home: reading a book or baking cookies, both of which will create some degree of serenity in the house.

Always remember that just as no two women encounter the same experiences during pregnancy, people who are grieving the loss of someone close also grieve very differently. In other words, there is no “secret recipe” for helping grieving individuals, only key ingredients. These ingredients correspond to the closeness of the caregiver’s relationship with the grieving person and the extent to which the caregiver is willing to reach beyond their comfort zone. The goal is to help, not suffocate, the bereaved.

Rachel Kodanaz is an author, speaker and consultant who provides encouragement to those who are suffering a loss or setback. She is the author of Living with Loss, One Day at a Time and Grief in the Workplace.
Both are available at rachelkodanaz.com and amazon.com.

The Evolution of Grief in the Workplace

Death is a fact of life, and grief is a necessary part of healing. The grief process does not end at the burial, the funeral service or the closure of the traditional, three-day bereavement leave as defined in the bereavement policies of most companies.

This handbook is designed as a guide for Human Resources personnel, EAPs, managers and co-workers who are supporting a fellow employee when s/he is grieving a significant loss or if the work group is mourning the loss of a co-worker. Whether it was an employee who died, or a close loved one of an employee, allowing healthy grieving time will ultimately produce a stronger and more stable work environment. The maturity gained through positive grief resolution will result in deeper appreciation of life, greater commitment to work and positive changes in lifestyle.

The idea of writing and speaking on Grief in the Workplace was a direct result of my experiences while I was grieving my personal loss. When my husband passed away unexpectedly, I was a member of management in a large corporation. It took me several years to realize that if my employer and co-workers were educated in the grief process, my grief experience may have had a different outcome. I struggled with making decisions, expressing my thoughts and resolving unnecessary insurance and financial challenges. Important insurance and beneficiary paperwork fell through the cracks; my manager and co-workers did not know how to address my situation; and my productivity was significantly lower compared to before the loss.

After spending several years recovering and helping other grievers, I began researching how to help employees who are grieving in the workplace. I found very little material on the subject so I began writing. I published the first version of Grief in the Workplace in 1998. That led to writing a column for ten years titled, Grief in the Workplace for Bereavement Magazine (now Living with Loss), speaking nationally on the subject and appearing on Good Morning America.

In 2013, I published Living with Loss, One Day at a Time (Fulcrum Publishing) offering daily encouragement to individuals and families who have lost a loved one or are suffering from any form of loss. The 365 daily lessons and thought-provoking ideas provide hope, optimism, introspection, and self-discovery. The book has proven to be a valuable tool supporting an employee or workgroup with their individual journey.

In summary, I am an advocate for educating the workplace, specifically managers, co-workers and Human Resources specialists, on key aspects of grief. This variety of training reduces the recovery time necessary to address grief, resulting in a more positive and productive work environment.

Rachel Kodanaz is an author, speaker and coach who provides support to workplaces when there has been a death of an employee or when an employee has experienced a personal loss. She is the author of Grief in the Workplace and Living with Loss, One Day at a Time. Both are available at rachelkodanaz.com or amazon.com.

Taking Care of You First

Family Caregiving is by far the most demanding and complicated responsibility one can experience—the caregiver must be “the jack of all traits yet the master of none.”

Family caregiver is a person who provides non-professional, unpaid care for an ill or aging family member. Family caregivers may find the need to care for a loved one at an unexpected time in their lives following an accident or diagnosis of a serious illness at a young age. Even when taking care of an aging family member, the responsibility is nearly impossible to imagine until the caregiver is in the throws of care. In essence, the journey may be long and filled with great uncertainty.

In your role as a caregiver, you must keep in mind that the most important person is you, the caregiver. Without your strength, your wisdom and your support how can you care for your loved one? This notion may seem counter-intuitive, as you are caring for someone that needs you.

As a family caregiver, setting boundaries and communicating those boundaries will set the platform and expectations for the care. Therefore, the first step is to define your job: are you the medical caregiver, the household manager or the loved one providing emotional support? Most will answer all of the above. Consequently, how do you juggle your own commitments when you are providing intense care for someone who needs you? It is imperative to take “me” time to clear your mind, to exercise, and spend time with family and friends. So often I hear, “No I can’t do that.” Yes you can! Without taking care of you, how will you have the patience for your caregiving role?

While difficult for many of us, asking others for help is crucial for survival. Arrange for rides for the non-critical appointments, ask a friend to “babysit” while you go for a walk outside and create a list of what needs to be done, having it handy when someone offers assistance. Easily delegated tasks include grocery shopping, picking up a prescription at the pharmacy, carpool support for kids, in-home medical/hygiene support and light household chores.

Your family needs you and you need you – find the appropriate balance and ask for help so you can take care of you first.

Rachel Kodanaz is an author, speaker and coach who provides support to workplaces when there has been a death of an employee or when an employee has experienced a personal loss. She is the author of Grief in the Workplace and Living with Loss, One Day at a Time. Both are available on http://www.rachelkodanaz.com or www.amazon.com.

The Old Fashioned Telephone

When my husband passed away, there was no internet, text messaging or cell phones; however there was internal email. I was saddened to learn that my employees read about his death in an email rather than being informed by a considerate phone call. I am sure they had questions and direct interaction could have provided answers. At the time we used the telephone to inform families that school was cancelled due to snow, or that soccer practice was cancelled – yet for such a significant and sensitive event, my co-workers were not called about my loss.

When there is a loss of an employee or a significant loss to a family member of an employee, reaching out to co-workers directly via telephone is the most respectful approach, both confirming the appropriate people have been apprised of the situation and squelching the potential spread of gossip and inaccurate information.

Often you will notice that media will withhold names pending the family being notified of a situation. While television or radio professionals will hold back information, social media won’t. Speculation will be tweeted, posted on Facebook and texted immediately – we live in a world demanding information instantly. While we cannot control the masses when sharing sensitive information, we can make sure to contact key individuals directly, properly and respectfully so that they have the most current and relevant information regarding the loss.

Rachel Kodanaz is an author, speaker and coach who provides support to workplaces when there has been a death of an employee or when an employee has experienced a personal loss. She is the author of Grief in the Workplace and Living with Loss, One Day at a Time. Both are available on http://www.rachelkodanaz.com or www.amazon.com.

Business as Usual – Dealing with Grief in the Workplace

Wouldn’t life be great if no one died? Or no one grieved? The fact is that at some point, both of these situations will occur in one’s personal and workplace life; and while we cannot prevent it from occurring, we can help ease the impact on the workplace. We can educate the workforce on how to deal with the death of a co-worker or how to support an employee who is returning to work following a bereavement leave. No matter what the situation is around the death, whether it was an illness, a sudden death, homicide or suicide, the impact on business will be similar.

Grief has no time limits, and the journey toward acceptance will vary depending on the situation and who is grieving. No two individuals will react in the same way. We must really understand what grief is in order to understand its impact on people. And, most importantly, we need to understand grieving people in order to support their needs.

Death and grief have a powerful impact on individuals and their abilities to balance logical and emotional thoughts and actions. Unfortunately, when grief enters the workplace, business must continue as usual but with a saddened morale. As we struggle toward stability, the needs of both employees and clients weigh in the balance on any given day. This is not a matter of who is more important, but rather how you can be available for both groups.

The first step is to recognize the reality of the death. Whether the death was that of an employee or an employee’s loved one, it is important for the employer and co-workers to acknowledge it. A few examples include sending the family a bereavement gift, card or meal, offering a friendly gesture, attending the funeral, or making a donation to a worthwhile cause—this can be a college fund for a family or a donation to your favorite charity. By starting there, you are acknowledging the death and showing the family you care. Having a grief counselor available for the work group also can help with the recovery process. Educating people on how to handle grief is extremely important, as many people who have never experienced grief may not know that what they are feeling is normal. The first few days are centered on numbness but as that wears off, the remaining days and weeks can be intense if you don’t know what to expect. A grief counselor can educate the group so they are more self-aware.

The second major step is to assess the impact on the business and how the disruption can be minimized without appearing to be insensitive. If the death was of an employee’s loved one, the employee may be absent from work for a period of time. Because we live in a mobile society and many times people need to travel some distance to the funeral, the leave is often extended. In addition, the tasks after a death can be numerous and may also necessitate an extended leave. For example, an employee may need to return to the home of the deceased to prepare it for sale. This takes time and usually does not occur during the traditional bereavement leave.

Once the current workload has been assessed, the next major step is to develop a plan to maintain “business as usual.” In some cases, the work group will need to divide-and-conquer the tasks that need to be accomplished until the grieving employee returns to work. This would be a short-term fix and would not necessarily work for all business types. In addition, the ability to cover for the grieving employee will also depend on the length of the leave.

In the case when an employee has died, the position will typically be backfilled. However, in the short term, a temporary hire may support the most immediate needs. This temporary hire will need to have the strength to deal with an emotional workgroup, who may not be friendly and supportive at first. With the right temperament, the work group can truly be helped to return to some type of normalcy and be able to support clients and customers more consistently.

If a co-worker has died and the impact on the work group is so substantial that replacing the employee creates hardship, rearranging how the work group performs specific tasks can be a solution. This will reduce the void created by the death. The new process can be a simple as rearranging the workspace to alleviate the feeling of emptiness, or changing the process of how the work is accomplished by rearranging steps or having people perform different jobs. Although these measures might be perceived at first as extreme, the goal is to get the workgroup productive again without minimizing the need to grieve the loss.

It may appear at times that the work group has emotional setbacks resulting in low morale – this is normal as the employees are experiencing issues that are difficult to handle while trying to maintain a professional image. Death often changes relationships in a work setting because the co-workers are often experiencing emotional swings that are awkward to share in public. Allowing employees to “work through” the emotional swings will truly help in the recovery process. This can be done by giving them the permission to be sad and encouraging them to ask for help of their co-workers. It will take the entire team’s commitment to each other to help keep clients happy and maintain “business as usual.”

Rachel Kodanaz is an author, speaker and coach who provides encouragement to those who are suffering a loss or setback. Following the sudden loss of her husband, her experience in the management of large corporations led her to publish resources, provide training and consultation supporting grief and loss in the workplace. She is the author of Living with Loss, One Day at a Time offering daily encouragement to individuals and families who have lost a loved one or are suffering from any form of loss. The best-seller book provides 365 daily lessons and thought-provoking ideas provide hope, optimism, introspection, and self-discovery.

Contact information: rachel@rachelkodanaz.com or visit http://www.rachelkodanaz.com.

Why not?

“Why not” – two simple words that mean so much. While recently visiting my aging father-in-law, he used the expression many times responding to both simple and complex questions. I pondered his reply to determine if the response was a quick, standard answer to eliminate the need to consider my question or was there meaning behind his reply. To find out, I asked him if he wanted to go out for dinner and his response was, “it is too cold;” so he clearly was not using “why not” as a standard answer.

What did he mean by “why not?” I specifically asked him that question, hoping he would engage with me rather than be passive as he had been in the past. In fact, this time was different – he said he was willing to participate in almost everything we suggested with zest and excitement. I quickly concluded he was not complacent at all, but instead truly eager to consider each situation agreeably.

As I pondered this newsletter’s theme to kick-off the New Year, my husband suggested using “why not.” My initial response was “why not?” – seemed very fitting and appropriate.   What if we were more open to ideas rather than being in a routine or rut? Whether embracing a new hobby, developing an exercise program or viewing movies nominated for academy awards, all support the goal of agreeing to venture out of standard and customary routines of our daily schedule.

• “Why not” forgive someone you are mad at?
• “Why not” believe in your intuition?
• “Why not” acknowledge loss is difficult yet you will okay?
• “Why not” search for hope?
• “Why not” embrace 2015 with passion?

Do we say no because it is easier and simpler than saying yes? Especially when challenged with any type of loss, our natural tendency is to simplify our responses; yet simplicity can be stifling and limiting. While we need to remain in that state as long as we need to mourn the loss, at some point stepping out of our comfort zone to embrace the challenge will be empowering, helpful and encouraging.

Embracing newness can provide a fresh and bright start to the New Year. When challenged by the desire to answer a question with “no,” consider asking yourself “why not” before providing your final answer.

Rachel Kodanaz is an author, speaker and coach who provides encouragement to those who are suffering a loss or setback. Following the sudden loss of her husband, her experience in the management of large corporations led her to publish resources, provide training and consultation supporting grief and loss in the workplace. She is the author of Living with Loss, One Day at a Time offering daily encouragement to individuals and families who have lost a loved one or are suffering from any form of loss. The best-seller book provides 365 daily lessons and thought-provoking ideas provide hope, optimism, introspection, and self-discovery.

Contact information: rachel@rachelkodanaz.com or visit http://www.rachelkodanaz.com.

The Holiday Season

For some reason we all have embedded in our minds that once Thanksgiving arrives it is time to increase the level of stress we place on ourselves. No matter what type of planning we do for the holiday season, we all tend to let the gift giving and the changes in daily schedule and family dynamics affect our holiday season. Couple that with grieving the loss of a loved one, and it is enough to push even the strongest person over their threshold. Now add the workplace stress, and there seems to be no hope for survival through the tough, lonely times of the holidays.

Regardless of the time of year, it is very difficult to avoid the emptiness of grief, especially when it appears that everyone around you is joyful and happy. However, the first thing to remember is that many people can fool you with their happiness. What appears on the outside is not necessarily what is happening on the inside. Try not to think of yourself as being the only one in the world who is suffering. It helps to know you are in the company of others. So that you are not too hard on yourself during this period, the best approach is to plan in advance for the holiday season and attack it with all your strength. Make it a positive time for new traditions, and change the meaning of giving. Remember, you are the most important person in your world, so make the outside world work within your world. Start by setting boundaries for yourself in work and home. Try not to over commit to work projects, social events and other obligations. Focus on yourself.

Many companies have an office holiday party. The type of party will help you decide if it is appropriate for you to attend. Before I lost my husband, I would have suggested rising above any discomfort to go. Now that I have joined the permanent grief world, I believe you have to do what is best for you and graciously relay that to the appropriate people. If the party is an office potluck lunch, that should be relatively harmless. If the party is a “couple” situation and you are no longer a couple, and it is inappropriate to bring along a friend or sibling, declining the invitation is more than acceptable. If the party includes children and you are grieving the loss of a child, plan something else for that evening. Remember, you are trying to alleviate stress, and you need to decide what is right for you.

While not always directly related to the workplace, there are many ways to help yourself or a coworker through the season. Keeping your emotions in tact may help you relax and even enjoy the people and festivities of the season. Whether in the workplace or at home, you can rally the people around you to support your ideas. Here are a few:

• Adopt a less fortunate family and make their holiday season bright and cheery. You can have your coworkers support you by contributing to a gift or meal. Use positive energy to help others, and you will feel better about yourself. Deliver the items to the family and let their smiles help you through the season.
• There are many volunteer opportunities during the holidays you can get your company involved in that will help others. Wrap gifts for a toy drive, collect food and deliver it to the food bank or visit people who are in the hospital. This is a great way to bond with your coworkers and give to those in need. This is not designed to diminish your pain but to help you feel good about yourself during the season.
• Be sure not to overload yourself with extra projects, tight deadlines or unreasonable quotas. You do want to keep yourself busy through the season, but you also want to manage the stress level by feeling good about your accomplishments.
• Take vacation time. Maybe December is your month to take a break from life. Use your vacation time for days when you think you need a break. Curl up on the couch with a good novel; pamper yourself at a spa or with a new haircut; call a long lost friend and spend the day reminiscing over old times; attend a matinee movie; bake cookies and make your house smell great; take your kids on an outing; sit on Santa’s lap; or sit in your kitchen and watch the snow fall. It’s your time for you!
• Attend a support group. Even if it has been a while since you attended a group, it might be worth your time to get reacquainted. As mentioned earlier, knowing you are not alone often helps the loneliness; and you might even meet someone who could use a new friend during the holidays.

Most importantly, put yourself first, keep your chin up and try to smile. Build new holiday memories and traditions to help you rebuild the season and carry you into the new year. We all can make it through December, and try to start the New Year with invigorating goals.

Rachel Kodanaz is an author, speaker and coach who provides support to workplaces when there has been a death of an employee or when an employee has experienced a personal loss.  She is the author of Grief in the Workplace Management Handbook and Living with Loss, One Day at a Time.  Both are available on http://www.rachelkodanaz.com.

 

“Death Becomes Her”

On my recent visit to New York City, I visited the Metropolitan Museum of Art as I always do.  As I planned my visit, I was most excited to explore the exhibit “Death Becomes Her – this Costume Institute exhibition explores the aesthetic development and cultural implications of mourning fashions of the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries.” After working with young widows for almost 2 decades, I was curious to see what the exhibit entailed and what the response of the attendees would be.

From the outset, the exhibit captured my imagination. It is located down a wide, white and brightly lighted flight of stairs setting a portrait of warmth creating curiosity of what is around the corner, where the light turns to dark portraying high-fashioned black ensembles.  As I walked down the stairs, I wondered what it would have been like to be widowed between 1815 to 1915. How would I feel wearing black for a year, signaling my loss to the community and allowing them to provide support when needed? This stands in stark contrast to our current culture, where we bury our loved ones and wake up the next day as if it was just other day dressing in our daily clothing.  Only in our sad faces and hidden, broken hearts would anyone around us know we are in mourning.

Not only was I captivated by these beautiful ensembles, I was equally taken back by the beauty of the mannequins chosen for the exhibit.  They were all “young, beautiful and poised” as opposed to old and frail.  While most visitors experienced a time in history and learned about mourning attire, I found myself looking through the lens of my young widowhood remembering the early months of trying to find two socks of the same color.

Would mourning clothes today help comfort us?  Are we missing a sense of etiquette and deliberateness in our modern grieving process?  Grief is our passage to understanding both the love and loss associated with a death; and choosing to wear an outward sign of our grief could inspire those closest to us to be more patient with our grieving process.

Rachel Kodanaz is an author, speaker and coach who provides encouragement to those who are suffering a loss or setback specifically in the workplace. Following the sudden loss of her husband, her experience in the management of large corporations led her to publish resources, provide training and consultation supporting grief and loss in the workplace. She is the author of Living with Loss, One Day at a Time offering daily encouragement to individuals and families who have lost a loved one or are suffering from any form of loss. The best-seller book provides 365 daily lessons and thought-provoking ideas provide hope, optimism, introspection, and self-discovery.

Contact information: rachel@rachelkodanaz.com or visit http://www.rachelkodanaz.com.

Sorting through the Keepsakes

Just when you think you have endured all the pain and suffering a human could tolerate following the death of a loved one, a new daunting task lurks around the corner. What to do with all the personal belongings?

The quick answer is — do nothing right now unless you have to. Why? Making decisions too soon can lead to regret and disappointment in the future. As you begin your new grief journey, wondering what to do with your loved one’s personal belongings weighs very heavy on a survivor’s heart. Typically, those around you suggest that the faster you sort through the personal belongings, process necessary paperwork and close an estate, the faster you will be on the road to recovery. The truth for most people who are mourning the loss of a loved one is quite the opposite — the desire is to remain connected to their loved one for as long as possible. In fact, pacing the sorting and cleaning activities over an extended period allows the survivor to deeply connect, reminisce special memories and share stories with friends and family.

The million-dollar question is when to start the process of cleaning and organizing items that are personal in nature. The answer is very simple –when the griever is ready! For many the task is so emotionally and physically overwhelming that one often needs a gentle nudge from a trusted source who can help with a plan. Typically, the process is triggered when looking for something or when the clutter becomes too overwhelming. For others, the process begins when they figure out what to do with a particular item. For example, a recent fundraiser prompted a widow to donate her husband’s professional sports memorabilia– giving her the satisfaction that others could benefit from her donation. Whatever the trigger, embracing the process and cherishing the memories are essential to moving forward.

Before you begin, consider family members and friends who may take pleasure in having a special item from your loved one – a special coffee mug for the office, tools for the handy person, athletic watch for the running buddy, books for the reader, clothing to make a quilt, jewelry to pass down to future generations or just a simple possession that will always remind the recipient of that special person.

When you are ready to start the process, the best approach is to tackle a small area – one corner, one drawer or one file at a time. And to avoid the inevitable paralysis of making a final decision, create six piles and place each item in one of the piles to ensure forward momentum and a sense of accomplishment.

Pile #1 – Keep for yourself

This would include items that you just don’t want to part with. Maybe your loved one’s eyeglasses, favorite hat or the last book they read. These items have sentimental value and they need to remain in your possession.

Pile #2 – Bestow to friends and family

Once you have decided what is right for you, the next step is to determine if the item would be of interest to a friend of family member. The recipient would treasure the personal belonging whether it is a family heirloom, a coin collection, a piece of art or a simple token item to maintain the connection.

Pile #3 –Sell

If the belonging could be valued by a collector or individual, sell the item. Craigslist, eBay, local newspapers or club newsletters are great places to showcase items for potential buyers.

Pile # 4 – Donate to a not-for-profit

The not-for-profits in your community can benefit from any donations. For instance, coats can be donated to a homeless organization; business clothing would be helpful for employment initiatives and medical equipment for the underserved.

Pile # 5 – Trash, recycle or shred

The processing and sorting through paper is emotional, overwhelming and time consuming. Once you determine there is no need to retain certain paperwork, place it in the trash, recycle or shred pile.

Pile #6 – Not sure what to do with the item

The most daunting pile is #6 – those personal belongings you just don’t know what to do with. Place the item in the pile and keep moving forward, as you can revisit your decision at a future time.

Throughout the sorting, cleaning and organizing be sure to take the time to savor memories of each item that goes through your hands. Once you start, you will develop a rhythm and find a balance between your sense of accomplishment and cherishing the memories of your loved one.

Rachel Kodanaz is an author, speaker and coach who provides encouragement to those who are suffering a loss or setback specifically in the workplace. Following the sudden loss of her husband, her experience in the management of large corporations led her to publish resources, provide training and consultation supporting grief and loss in the workplace. She is the author of Living with Loss, One Day at a Time offering daily encouragement to individuals and families who have lost a loved one or are suffering from any form of loss. The best-seller book provides 365 daily lessons and thought-provoking ideas provide hope, optimism, introspection, and self-discovery.

Contact information: Rachel@Rachelkodanaz.com or visit http://www.rachelkodanaz.com.